11 Inappropriate Things Not Many Will Tell You About

I have been in major procrastination to write this blog. The topic on spiritual abuse or sexual abuse or any kind of abuse does not come easy for me. I don’t use that word lightly either. There’s much to say but my concern has been: WHAT DO I SAY? However, hearing stories regarding this is worth speaking on.  Abuse may not be the usual in many church settings but that does not mean that it is not happening. It is happening. I understand this will not be for everyone but this is for someone. And it is worth speaking on.

In the words of Mr. Rogers  “Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.”

**Disclaimer: I am not a professional. If you are in danger please find professional help as soon as possible.

I am not ignorant that we are fallen people in a fallen world. There are atrocious things being done around the world that some may be out of our control and others are in our control. There are things that probably do not shock us anymore but things we hear happening (especially in the church setting) end up shocking us still. It is shocking to hear stories of women and men go through abuse from  people or a person who  was ‘appointed’ by God to teach them about God. It’s no surprise that those getting abused are tempted to walking away from a ‘God who stands by the abuser.’ More shocking is not knowing that it can be you. 

What is spiritual abuse? Abuse happens when a person wields biblical doctrine or spiritual authority to manipulate, dominate, deflect, or direct the narrative in his or her favor—whether it’s meant to inflate an ego or gratify a lust or protect a reputation.

It can happen in a marriage, at work, in friendships and church. In this post I am directing myself to the spiritual abuse that occurs with members and pastors or leadership beginning with inappropriateness. 

Why?

Because in this specific area it is NOT so obvious. It usually happens very subtly and misrepresenting God and misrepresenting His approval on this. 

As I mentioned before, listening to the stories of people and the abuse that was not obvious in the beginning to them, led me to see a common denominator. I am sure you are aware of the documentaries that have come about ministries and abuse that have occurred. The ‘victims’ all have a common denominator along with the stories that are not publicly known and suffering in silence. 

Common denominator: It all began with INAPPROPRIATENESS.

I want to take a pause here to clarify that I love the Church of God. I believe in it. I attend a church and am grateful for churches that are doing it right and their best. This is NOT to condemn the church. This is to bring awareness and an invitation to do better. My husband and I have been through spiritual abuse for years. Because of God’s goodness and mercy we have been delivered from all that, have been healing, moving forward and helping others as well. We love the church and will continue to cheer it on. 

Also I am aware that it’s not always the leader/pastor who is making inappropriate moves and there may be false accusations. Both parties can be consensual. Which still makes it wrong in this setting. 

Let’s focus in the initial step where trouble starts without noticing.

Firstly, what does the Bible have to say about inappropriateness? Let’s consider these:

• But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.- Matthew‬ ‭5‬:‭28‬ ‭ESV‬‬
• But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints.- Ephesians‬ ‭5‬:‭3‬ ‭ESV‬‬
• Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality,- Galatians‬ ‭5‬:‭19‬ ‭ESV‬‬
• Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.- 1 Corinthians‬ ‭6‬:‭18‬ ‭ESV‬‬

When I would hear these stories of people who ended up in hot waters and in trouble (to the point of marriages being jeopardized) I’d ask them “How did this start?” And majority have said the same thing “Things felt weird, but they are a man of God so I thought it was normal or ok. I would not have dared to question them”

It may be obvious. But you have to understand that when a leader/pastor feels comfortable enough to pull a sneaky move they’ve already set things up for that moment to test you. They prey on women or men who have ‘daddy issues’. Either the father is absent or the relationship with the father is non existent. The irresponsible pastor/leader will subtly want to usurp the place of a father/mother. 

It starts with bringing you around more and wanting to get to know your family and win them over. You might say there isn’t anything wrong with that! Pastors should be friendly. You are absolutely right. But here I’m referencing the initial step of an irresponsible pastor/leader. I am talking about getting more involved in your personal life than they ought to. 

Then the control starts to get heavier. Bringing you closer to ‘serve’ them in a personal level. Inviting you over the home without the spouse being there. Or setting up 1 on 1 meetings in places such as hotels or places far from their home or the church to talk about ‘ministry’ stuff. Then comes the jealousy. Jealous when they find out you have a love interest and try to jeopardize that by selling you story about how awful your love interest is and your focus should be ‘serving’ their position in the kingdom. And of course, showering of gifts. Buying things for you or paying things off for you. This is a bait and a set up to be manipulated in all kinds of ways.

I know pretty scary! But that is NOT godly! No matter what position or “backing” of the spirit they may think they have. It does NOT matter how much the church continues to grow in numbers. That is NOT from God. It is not what a MAN OF GOD should be doing. A church of God should be a safe and sound place where people come together to worship God, fellowship and receive sound teachings. 

Let me not delay more. Here are things that are inappropriate and to watch out for. If you are experiencing any of these put a HARD stop to it! 

Inappropriate Things that Pastors/ leaders should not be asking of you or doing to you:

1. Selfies. Pictures of yourself to be sent to the pastor/leader. This is not ok. They should not be having or asking any pictures of you. It doesn’t matter if it is even with your family. 
2. Late night phone calls or text messages. This is not healthy. 8pm-7am should be respected. If it’s an emergency they can call 911 or a trusted friend of the same sex. 
3. Sharing personal things with you about their marriage and intimacy. No you are not ‘special’ or ‘privileged’ to hear these things. It’s none of your business and you are not the person to fix it. This is a great way to make you feel sorry for them. Beware of ‘over-serving’ or replacing a spouses spot. 
4. Being alone. Staying after work (if you are working at the church) or serving too late is not wise for both parties to be alone.
5. Uncomfortable greeting kisses and hugs. Sitting on the lap is a NO! You are not a toddler sitting on Santa’s lap. 
6. Putting theirs hands anywhere on you (unless it’s laying of the hands on the head cause you are being prayed for publicly). They should not be caressing your face or ANY part of your body.
7. Secrecy between you both. Weird personal favors.
8. Standing uncomfortably too close. Standing too close behind you or looking over your shoulder. 
9. Over complementing or inappropriate dirty jokes. 
10. Over gifting. Generosity is godly but over gifting is a red flag. 
11. Possessive behavior. As I mentioned earlier, the jealousy, over accountability, meddling in your dating life. Choosing career paths for you. Prohibiting enjoying family birthdays or events just to serve them. Dancing for them! Ugh no!

This is a basic but a not-so general list of things to watch out for. God did give you a discerning spirit. Now this is not to go on and devil-hunt. Or to live in suspicion. That isn’t godly either. This is to bring awareness. 

If you have or are experiencing this with your leader/ pastor here are things you must know and can do.

You must know

1. They are not there to replace the father/mother figure in your life. It’s a blessing to have good “father/mother” figure but it’s not the ultimate goal. The ultimate goal is you truly knowing you have a HEAVENLY  FATHER you can run to and call on to always. 
2. You have the right to tell the leader/pastor “NO” “THIS IS NOT OK” “I DO NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE DOING THIS” “I DID NOT FEEL RIGHT WHEN YOU DID THIS OR SAID THIS”. With this one I know it comes hard for some because of fear. Fear God more than fearing the potential abuser. Do it afraid. Staying quiet is a silent suffering sentence that in the future it becomes hard to bear. 
3. God does not approve of it. Don’t run from God. 

Things you can do:

1. Tell them straight up you feel uncomfortable. Usually if they are very irresponsible they’ll use bible terms to deflate or gaslight such as “to the pure everything is pure”. Exactly. You are pure enough to know it’s not pure. Hah! 
2. Speak to a trusted leader or someone trusted. There’s also a fear that comes with this due to the loyalty towards the leader/pastors. Ask God to show you who can be trusted and share your experience.
3. If it is harassment or touching of private body parts call local authorities.
4. Attend another church. That simple. Unpopular opinion. But the shepherd is suppose to protect the flock. If they are not doing that, good riddance!

I want to reiterate that this is about initial spiritual abuse. The symptoms or beginning of trouble brewing.

Not all leaders/pastors are inappropriate. There are God-fearing men and women who love God and protect the people. Pray for God to show you where they are in your local area. They are there. You just go to seek out for it. 

If you are wondering how do I know if my leader/pastor is doing things right? Here’s the biblical qualifications of an overseer of a church:

1. Therefore an overseer must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach,”- 1 Timothy‬ ‭3‬:‭2‬ ‭

2. Not a drunkard, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money.”- ‭‭1 Timothy‬ ‭3‬:‭3‬ 

3. He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive,”- 1 Timothy‬ ‭3‬:‭4‬

4. He must not be a recent convert, or he may become puffed up with conceit and fall into the condemnation of the devil.”- 1 Timothy‬ ‭3‬:‭6‬ ‭ESV‬‬

5. Moreover, he must be well thought of by outsiders, so that he may not fall into disgrace, into a snare of the devil.”- ‭‭1 Timothy‬ ‭3‬:‭7‬ ‭

Carry yourself with wisdom and don’t ever give up integrity for validation. Do not be desperate for a man’s approval or attention. Be desperate for your Heavenly Father’s! 

Prayer

Father, thank you for my dear friend. Thank you for protecting them. For teaching them that they can find safety and refuge in you. I pray wisdom, courage, boldness and holiness over their lives. If they ever find themselves in a sticky situation, I know if they call out on You, You will get them out of it gracefully. I pray that no fear of man will be their guide, but Your word will be the lamp unto their feet. I also pray for the pastors and leaders, that you give them the grace to lead with Your love, holiness, boldness and purity. Bless the leaders and pastors who are leading the people to You whole heartedly. And those pastors and leaders who are being inappropriate and being tempted I pray you bring conviction to their heart and help them with any needs they are lacking that is leading them to do such things that do not please you. They too can receive forgiveness. I pray that they’ll humble themselves and repent. May they finish the race right. May the fear of God be upon everyone!

In your name I pray. Amen. 

I want to thank all the people who shared their stories with me and how God has been healing and restoring. Thank you for not giving up! You are blessed and I know your story is not done! This post is for you!

I also want to thank my husband and my girls (my best friends). Thank you for having my back and encouraging me. This post is for you!

If you have been blessed by this or relate to it please share your story below in the comment section! Or you can send me an email at: [email protected]