Good Girl

Hi friend!

Have you ever imagined what your life would look like with no fear in it?

I can bet that it would be a life of color, of much laughter and loud!

I can picture it now, no limit to dreams being fulfilled. Creativity flowing in every aspect of your life. In your home, marriage, children, business and more. So much freedom.

Does that mean you’re on mute now?

I grew up an artsy child. I love all things dance, all things musical, writing (this was recently re-discovered), painting or drawing and just creating in the field of art. Through my school years I was involved in either dance or music. I definitely am not good with numbers and I am ok with that. Know where you are good at and know where you are not good at. I enjoyed being a dreamer and creating things. As I graduated high school things subtly just started to shift. 

I got involved in ministry at 18. I fell in love with Jesus and the concept of possibly working in His field. Joined dance ministry, got married and a year later joined worship team. You see I am also a person to not cause problems. I had the “good girl” syndrome. Obedient and easy going. Who wouldn’t want to work with someone like that? That’s holy, right? That’s what God wants , right? That is what is expected of me, right? 

I ought to be an obedient daughter, do what my parents say with no question cause they know better. I ought to be an obedient wife, who should not have a say cause that can be nagging and also my husband knows better. I ought to be an obedient disciple of “Jesus” and follow the pastor or teachers of the word because they know way more than I do. I had no biblical knowledge to their level. All I knew was the story of “Father Abraham how many sons, how many sons has father Abraham.” Oh! And the story of Jonah and the whale. But who cares?! I don’t need a back bone of my own! I have other’s spine to maintain me cause I do not know better. 

When you are constantly getting applauded by your loved ones for keeping them happy by your exquisite performance of trying to be the “IT” person, one becomes addicted to that attention. When your unhappy moments come in like a flood it feels like they cannot handle it. And what happens? You start creating your own costume and mask for your lifelong career of PERFORMING. But this isn’t just some performance. This is the performance of survival. A performance that doesn’t reward you. On the contrary, a performance that taxes you in the long run. Your ‘good girl’ costume and mask will eventually wear out. The material you’ve used for that kind of performance is one your own skin can’t bear. Much less your soul.

Obedience is a heart thing. I have learned from hard lessons and harsh re-wiring that obedience is not an outward appearance decision. It is the first beautiful step in making a decision in the heart to follow what is right in God’s eyes. You see God is not a tyrant as many religious people want to portray by pushing their ideology of God’s anger towards you if you do not do certain things for them. He is the Good Shepherd. He knows us more than we do. His ways are perfect. He knows what is best for our lives. That is where obedience stems from, LOVE. God sets out standards for us to live by, through grace, from a place of pure love. Then we meet His love by tenderly responding in obedience. It’s not so that I can be accepted. It’s not to maintain God happy, it’s for us to live out a life that is worthy. When we decide not to obey GOD the consequence is in itself. The obedience required from the flesh prioritizes this goal: Make me look good. 

“And now, Israel, what does the Lord your God require of you, but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in all his ways, to love him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to keep the commandments and statutes of the Lord, which I am commanding you today for your good?– Deuteronomy‬ ‭10‬:‭12‬-‭13‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Keeping up with the “IT” persona has an expiration date. When you find yourself becoming consumed with that job of maintaining others happy at the expense of your soul just for momentary attention or applause, you’ll find yourself lost and resentful. Like the happy clowns in kids party who hate their jobs of entertaining while their personal lives are in shambles.

There came a point where I had no idea I was living in a chamber. I became comfortable with the same routines of years. Different day, same concept. I lost myself completely. My heart became fragmented into pieces and I gave what was left to others. I did not have thoughts of my own. How could I? I don’t know any better. And I thought all along I needed the applause and admiration to be someone important.

I was sold a lie for so long: 

No, that’s not it. 

That’s not how you do it. 

That’s not how I would do it.

You got to think how _____ would think

Are you sure you prayed? 

Did you fast? 

You got to think like me.

You have to be steps ahead of _______.

I don’t think you heard God.

When the time came that the Lord saved me once again from the grip of religion after 15 years, it was time for me to be free from arrested development. I was given a chance to take responsibility of my God-given life but making decisions was a project. Of course this involved healing my nervous system and healing from PTSD and trauma. But I learned quickly this ‘good girl’ persona wasn’t serving me nor my loved ones in any way.

Things I learned

1. God gave me a voice! He granted me free will. Not to abuse my freedom but to use it for the good. That’s either for loving, speaking truth, building, exhorting or for justice.

2. In “Changes that Heal” by Dr. Henry Cloud wrote the following excerpt:

“This dynamic of “owning” one’s own thoughts is very important in establishing identity because what we think is an essential part of who we are. If we cannot separate our own thoughts and opinions from another’s, we have ceased to be a person in our own right, and have denied something that God will one day hold us responsible for.” pg. 244

3. Following #2 I came to the realization that I was non existent in relationships. That was a disservice to my loved ones. Whether at times I felt voiceless being around them and because of comments they would say, they still needed my authenticity. When I got rid of the good girl costume and my voice started coming out I saw how much my husband needed his wife present. Respectful, gentle, quiet, discreet BUT PRESENT. And when I need to speak, I speak. And I was no longer afraid of making him or anyone uncomfortable with any thought or opinion I had. It’s what any relationship needs. Connection and authenticity. I am not a pushover.

Trust me when I say it took me so long to even admit that out loud.

What are people going to say? Am I jezebelic? (this word is top in religious vocabulary). Am I disobedient? Am I misrepresenting my husband? My family?

NO. NO. NO. 

My answer to that is: NO. YOU WILL NO LONGER HAVE ME THE WAY THAT IS CONVENIENT TO YOU. 

JESUS CHRIST IS MY ONLY LORD AND MY ONLY SAVIOR! I BOW DOWN TO NO ONE BUT HIM! 

Woo! That felt good!

My dearest! It’s your time! It’s your time to bring your voice out! Do you remember what you read last week? MY HEALING IS FOR ME. MY HEALING IS FOR YOU!

God did not create you with duct tape over your mouth and with chains binding your hands and feet. 

Dream again! Create again! Talk again! Share your bright ideas with your spouse! Pick up that pencil and write again! Pick up that paint brush and draw again!

Oh, but that’s not what they want me to do. 

WHAT DOES GOD WANT YOU TO DO!? LIVE! LIVE FOR HIM!

Get rid of that good girl costume! And give your resignation letter to your life long career of a survival performer. Throw away your fake golden academy awards for best actor/actress. They are turning green anyways…

Now I ask you again, what would your life look like if you had no fear?

I’m working towards it!

Good riddance ‘good girl’

Hello Woman of God. 

Prayer

Father thank you for creating my friend. Thank you for bringing them to this world. They are wonderfully and fearfully made. I know in Your loving heart you created them to live. To live a life holy and worthy of their call. Whether it be at home with their blessings of children, whether it be in the working field, whether it be in school, whether it be in ministry you want them. Alive and present. I pray that You give them their voice back. A voice that will serve and heal others. A voice that will praise you unashamedly, a voice that will speak for others that cannot speak. A voice that will lift up their spouse. A voice that will speak truth. A voice that will teach their children and a voice worthy to be followed. I pray that you heal any heart that is locked up. I pray any heart of stone turn to flesh. I pray that they will feel again! I pray they will love deeply. I bless them in their journey.

In Your name I pray. Amen

Resources

These are some songs that helped me through this:

• Father, Son, Spirit- Jason Upton

• Can’t get away-Jonathan & Melissa Helser