Good Shepherd Bad Shepherd

After walking away from the church I basically devoted my life to, I ended up in shambles. A hot mess. Lost in identity, questioning God’s existence, boiling in resentment and regret, grieving my 20’s 30’s on what could have been of my life had I “woken” up sooner. I had to basically learn how to live again.  I had to learn how to recognize my OWN thoughts, my own decisions, likes and wants. And most importantly recognize my Shepherd’s voice.

You might be saying “did you not ask questions?” Of course!….in my head!

In an environment where there is heavy shepherding bringing questions about something you may not be in agreement with morally or theologically is not that welcomed. It is said, by lips, that they are welcomed. But once that conversation is done with, within seconds you are labeled problematic, not spiritual or most likely (if you are in the top tier of leadership) your name will end up in prayer circles and being prayed against. You become a threat. And of course, by now you know I had a good girl syndrome. There was no way I would let down the people who “believed” in me and “raised” me. It just was not in my system. I mean…their system. 

If you noticed I used the word heavy shepherding. You might be asking yourself what does that mean? I had no idea that this word existed.

Heavy shepherding came from a movement originally named the Shepherding movement that was happening in the early 70’s and 80’s. Its original intention was for a structured pastoral care for church members and pastors/leaders especially in the charismatic movement. It was a discipleship structure to maintain accountability, spiritual hierarchy and pastoral care. That movement ended up becoming heavy handed in shepherding where things turned to manipulation, ego trips, abuse of power, major control and discipleship looked like a pyramid scheme etc. It encouraged and trained people to prioritize relationship with a shepherd more and then with other believers. This ended up having crippled believers that had no idea there was someone in between them and God. Sad huh? I know.

We are in 2023 and there’s still that kind of leadership in churches. 

Why is it that I could not see this before? Why couldn’t I walk away? Why did I end up doing to others what was being done to me?

After doing a deep dive of John 10:1-18 where Jesus speaks on being the Good Shepherd I believe my world changed. I concluded this… I did not know the GOOD Shepherd. I understood the earthly church shepherd and was oblivious of what a shepherd should be. I had no idea that I was using the standard of an earthly church shepherd to measure the Good Shepherd, Jesus. I was comparing from earth to heaven instead of heaven to earth. Which explains my lack of grasping God’s goodness all these years. Since I could not understand I’d wrestle it. I would truly believe that I would get blessed ONLY cause I was associated to people more spiritual than me. 

It made sense as to why in some trips when I would travel by airplane (if you know me you know I had major anxiety in flying) I would feel safe knowing the airplane wouldn’t fall because certain spiritual leaders were on board. But not because my Father in heaven loves me and protects me too. Clearly God is good to others but me. Right? WRONG. Deep in my core there was a belief that I can only have a true relationship with God by works. If I do this or that enough then I will be loved enough or blessed enough. If I were to be more accountable with my life meaning handing my rights of making my own decisions to others that “know better” than I do, I’ll be in the safest place. I HAD NO IDEA I HAD PEOPLE IN THE WAY BETWEEN ME AND GOD. Unfortunately I lead people from a broken mentality. I am deeply sorry for that. Yes I have repented over and over and have asked for forgiveness to certain folks. 

After reading [in context] that chapter my soul was purified and sanctified. It took all these months to lead me here. Jesus is THEE GOOD Shepherd. Because I did not know the STANDARD of what is GOOD; therefore I settled for less than Jesus’ standard of what it truly means to be pastored and to pastor from the heart of Jesus. It’s like any person growing up in dysfunction, it becomes normal. Normal to get yelled at, normal to get publicly humiliated, normal to get the silent treatment, normal to have doubt, normal to fear and so forth.

John 10:1-18 has marked me profoundly that I cannot get over it and I read it over and over. This is when Jesus illustrates Him being the Good Shepherd and also illustrates one who isn’t a good shepherd. 

Jesus, the Good Shepherd-design is to lay His life down and to give life and abundantly, bind up what was broken and to save. This design is a risky one. A good shepherd risks his own life to protect the flock with pretty much nothing for return. A good shepherd is there for the benefit of the sheep. It cares for the flock with tenderness and sturdiness all balanced. It never asks the sheep if it would die for him. The shepherd taking up that job truly signs up to give up his life for what others deem “not worth it”. [Side note: do not mistake a dysfunctional family being the sacrifice for the flock/church this isn’t what Jesus is implying]. Anyone will look at an animal or a pet and say “their little lives isn’t worth it, just let it die”. Ahh this part gets me.. as tears swell in my eyes, I can just imagine how Jesus saw God’s people and how we looked unworthy of dying for. We did deserve the penalty of death. Others have said “just let them die.” Let humanity die. They still do not get it.”  But Jesus deemed us worthy to give up His life so we can be restored to the Father. It humbles me. 

The thief that is mentioned in this passage is not referring to the devil. In this context Jesus is referring to false or bad shepherds that went before him and in his time. 

Bad shepherds steal, kill and destroy. Matthew Henry states in his commentary that “the thief comes to do mischief to the flock.” They do not understand the flock and the work it takes to provide, care and protect them. They are there to gain from the sheep. Matthew Henry suggest in his commentary “Those whom they steal, whose hearts and affections they steal from Christ and His pastures, they kill and destroy spiritually..” This is well put. 

Hireling is one who leaves the sheep and does not care for it. There can be things happening that are just down right wrong and hirelings will turn a blind eye to it instead of doing something to protect the flock. It becomes easy to flee from trouble because the sheep really isn’t theirs. So it does not affect the hireling. They go about their “own” business. 

The miracle of my testimony is that where unknowingly idolatry ran deep and I was becoming what I idolized and started to reap the repercussions of it that it was wreaking havoc in all areas of my life, my affection towards a god shifted to the right King. The true and only God. Yes I was confused, yes I felt lost, yes I was angry at God but there was a conviction buried inside me that was greater and working harder than manifested pain. I ran towards God. All of that fueled me to RUN to God not knowing every step or if I was even doing it right. My affection was trying to get stolen, but it didn’t. I was deprived from pastures but not any more. My spirit and soul were in trouble and many times felt like I was dying but it didn’t. I found life in abundance.

My encouragement to you is EVALUATE where you are. This is not me telling you to leave nor to stay. Only you can decide that. If you are married only you and your spouse can decide that. But please evaluate. Do not look for perfection. No man on earth will get the Shepherd’s heart 100%, however there are biblical values that should not be compromised. 

Prayer

Father in heaven, I just want to thank You from the bottom of my heart for saving me once again through your Son and the precious Holy Spirit. I am grateful for all experiences good and bad. They all have lead me here. My prayer for my friends is that you show them through Your word what it is to be truly pastored and cared for. Help them grasp Your goodness and that they can accept that You are as good as you say and show You are. Help them hear Your voice as sheep that know their shepherd’s voice. Help them discern Your voice. Lead them and their families to healthy and radiant churches that carry Your heart because in all certainty I know they exist. And I bless those pastors that carry the Shepherd’s design. Give them Your grace and wisdom. I pray that those pastors falling into the thief category, may the conviction of Your Spirit come upon them and lead them to Your everlasting ways. Lead them to truth. Thank you for loving us they way You do. 

In Your name I pray, amen.

Resources

Articles

• The Shepherding Movement Summary Article

• Guard Your Flock: How to Recognize a Bad Pastor’s Impacts Article

Music

• Come let us worship and bow down- Steffany Gretzinger

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