Growing Pains

Welcome to our (you and I) little corner here where I share thoughts that become into meditation and then travels its way to conversation with God. I love to share what I have and gone through and love hearing your stories which have blessed me and have helped me see God and His goodness through things. Sometimes we wrestle around here. Sometimes we cry. Hey, it’s embraceable here. It’s part of humanity.

As faith people or believers of Christ we’ve pretended or have forced ourselves to like ALL God’s ways and decisions. I know I have. Being a pastor in a big ministry for years, I know I have self-righteously spoken about God to those who were wounded  from fellow believers or leaders. But they just needed a space to let go of the agonizing offenses lodged in their hearts with no judgement to then have the openness to receive sound counsel. I kindly tried to convince these people about their potential or final outcome of getting out their offense. But I’d skip the process of getting there. My mindset was: the final outcome is forgiveness, right? I was not taught to think and work on the journey to getting there without it being cheap ineffective forgiveness.

Well..years after I ended up being one of the wounded and did not see it coming. Yes, even as a pastor. Oh how the tables had turned. Now I had found myself begging desperately for someone to tell me how to dislodge the ache in my heart and soul. I was like a deer panting for the stream of water in a desert. I was running in circles crying silently loud for someone to save me out of this horrible ache in my soul. 

You might be asking at this point, did you go to God? 

Sigh…my dear friend, after a big blow to my foundation of faith I did not want to go to the one who I THOUGHT was hurting me. In the moment God represented the building & the perpetrator along with garbage bags of all the bad memories/events that led me to the position I found myself. Lost, in agony and despair. 

My heart turned savage. I did not know what to believe any more. It’s as if my identity evaporated like a mist to some cloud I could not reach or find. I found myself in the same shoes of those previously mentioned who have been wounded by ministry. I too, ended up being on the receiving end of self-righteous conversations. Programmed empty souls would rush me to the finish line of forgiveness without the grace and hand held walks to healing God’s love offers. 

As I wrestled with scriptures of forgiving deep down inside my little girl heart I wanted to believe that the Good Lord I’ve spoken about to others would come through for me. 

The Bible tells us about forgiving, Is it that simple? With the intricacies the Lord knitted us with, is it that black and gray?  I was afraid to show any sign of anger toward God, so i would just avoid the vital conversation. 

“bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.”- Colossians‬ ‭3‬:‭13‬ ‭ESV‬‬

My dearest friend, God is wisdom. In that there is such safety. Especially for the insecure heart. Although the pain that took residency in my mind, body and soul kept yelling out for me that I had no where to go and rest this weary heart; the Father was working on my behalf.

On a visit to see some great friends the Lord appointed a time of the beginnings of healing. Some friends asked my husband and I about what was happening in our situation we were in with a ministry. 

Side note: In that moment I chose not to bleed on people. I did not want to regret anything I would say.

We gave a soft non-detailed answer. Our friends response was pure and genuine “you guys are honorable people. It’s good that you honor the good things that you learned”. 

-Tires screeching coming to a halt– EXCUSE ME?! HAH! IF YOU ONLY KNEW!!!!!

Of course that argument was only in my head. My response to that was another soft response agreeing to the crazy comment. I picture the Father and my friend Jesus at this moment as I write this saying to me “IF YOU ONLY KNEW”. That subtle, insignificant quick conversation was a set up from God. It was like an alley oop! A big set up…the nerve.. the nerve to have me face my reality!!! Ok God. I see you. 

Who was I kidding? It was the most remarkable set up I had ever been in. 

I wrestled with the Lord in 2 ways: avoiding and angrily questioning. I know, how dare I right? Trust me even in thought the Lord is privy to it all. As I was getting ready I genuinely asked the Holy Spirit “how can I keep the so called ‘good’? I bet if these people knew the truth they’d think differently”. And then the lesson came…

LESSON IN DIALOGUE 

Holy Spirit: Can you name something you are grateful for being where you were? Can you say something good about the person?

Me: No way. Look at where I am now. I’m lost to the point of even questioning God’s existence! 

Holy Spirit: Give it a try

Me: I met my husband and friends here.. I got to serve God… I had a place. I had good laughs with this person.

—tears swelled in my eyes—

Me: Oh no….that means that something was good about the place and person..that means that if I have something good to say my pain is not valid and people won’t believe the damage I received. 

Holy Spirit: Do you know why you are having a hard time forgiving?

Me: Why? 

Holy Spirit: Because you have to face the fact that you genuinely loved the person who hurt you most. And you don’t want to face the fact that your heart is broken for loving someone so much. That means you have to admit that you LOVED the person deeply and that the person didn’t love you the same in return.

— I’m wailing at this point—

Me: It’s true! My heart is broken. I did love this person as a father and the community of people I helped for over a decade.

Holy Spirit: Admit that.

My almost-gargoyle-heart was disarmed and the grace to forgive rushed in like nurses rushing into an emergency surgery to aid the surgeon. I was gently and lovingly led to admit it verbally out loud. Admit the state of pain I was in and that it was time for me to forgive specifically the person. 

Holy Spirit: Just know, you have a badge of honor in knowing how to love without it in return the same way, just like God has. 

My dearest friend, in the book of Ecclesiastes it shares how there’s a time for everything. “A time to love and a time to hate;‬‬” Yes, a time to boil in hate and to deeply love. We all will have things to face and we will always need God’s help.  Scripture speaks on God’s standards and what is expected out of us even in the most difficult time. But performing those standards without grace is like setting camp on bitter and resentful grounds. It will not always be a quick fix. It wont always be pretty. There’s hideousness that you may encounter, down right scary moments. And forgiving does not invalidate your experience. Nor will your forgiveness keep the other party hostage, it is actually the other way around. You hold yourself hostage.

Pain that isn’t getting dealt with will work full time to convince you there’s no life beyond it. But GOD! Oh how the grass is greener on the other side of that!

“He lets me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still and quiet waters.”- ‭Psalms‬ ‭23‬:‭2‬ ‭AMP‬‬

Time is on your side when you are intentional about healing. 

There are layers to us. God knows it. 

1. Don’t force yourself to prop your heart up and give a cheap forgiveness prayer.
2. Do the work. Sit with the pain. Write it down. Write letters to those who have hurt you (letters they wont see) and read it back to yourself. Do it prayerfully. 
3. Invite the Holy Spirit and ask Him what are the Father’s thought on it.
4. Speak to someone trustworthy who is willing to sit with you when you can’t hear God. God knows. He knows. And He’s well aware of what’s going on. He knows how to speak to you where you will pay attention. He’ll come. He’s there. 
5. Trust in God. Sitting and waiting is part of the work. Do not let those voices rush you into anything. 
6. Know that your walk is personal. It’s between you and God

Bonus: If you have the means to get counseling I HIGHLY recommend it! Christian or faith based counseling. 

Prayer

Father, I thank you for my friend who took time to read this post. I pray that any concern or pain in their heart be placed right in Your loving hands. All disappointment, all heart break you are able and willing to mend. Your word says that you will lead us into all truth. May You bestow upon them Your grace that is sufficient where we are not. Help them face the reality in grace but with boldness and sticking through the process with You. May they not be led astray. May the run to You and not away from You. Your word says that You are compassionate and steadfast in love. I pray they may experience that in ways only they would know it’s You. 

I bless them and their process to heal. In Your name we pray. Amen

“The Lord is merciful and gracious, Slow to anger and abounding in compassion and lovingkindness.”- Psalms‬ ‭103‬:‭8‬ ‭AMP‬‬

Resources

Music I would listen to in this season

• I belong (Dylan’s song)- Brooke Ligertwood

• On and on- Housefires

• Winning the war within- Jason Vallotton

• The Bible ESV translation