Healing is for me. My healing is for you

Hi my dear friend,

You may or may not know this but I have been on an 8 month sabbatical so far. It’s been a wild one. Never in a zillion years did I think I would be on pause for so long. I was use to 2 weeks of PTO. Vacations here and there. But this sabbatical has taken healing to ANOTHER level. My husband promised I’d have a whole year off, to not worry and so far it has come to pass. 

I know you may be thinking, “Wow your husband promised you that?”. Or maybe “How can I get my husband to give me at least a 10 minute sabbatical?”. My dearest friend, it was not always like that.

It took a lot of intentional work for a daring promise like that.

2 years ago I was extremely anxious, oppressed, sad little girl trapped in a 33 year old body. I dealt with “good girl syndrome” and “arrested development” at some level. But “performing” all the duties that would “secure” me being “right before God” jack-hammered me to the depths of oppression.

My throat constantly felt like it would rip at the seams from having a ball of tears on a day to day basis for over 3 years. I couldn’t speak about what I was going through because it’s foreign to show weakness. I should be able to ENJOY and LOVE and say it’s a PRIVILEGE to suffer for the kingdom. My husband couldn’t understand anxiety or the pain I was going through because if I ever did mention anything, my delivery wasn’t convincing cause behind my delivery was the sound of insecurity. Insecure about the legitimacy of my needs. I should just go pray. Pray.. right..like if I hadn’t done that…FOR THE PAST SEVERAL YEARS! 

 But in 2021 when my body started to get physically ill and I felt like I was losing control of my sanity more than ever I had to make a decision to get help. I was convinced that I’d end up in a stray jacket and that my marriage would consist of my husband making visits to the hospital to see his crippled wife. 

Where I’ve come from counseling or seeking for help was frowned upon. Anything with emotions or psychology was actually a threat to spirituality. But what are you suppose to do when you have done everything “spiritual” under the sun and you’ve gotten worse?! I’ll tell you what I did, I sought for help in risk of losing my job or a “respected” reputation. I didn’t even tell my husband until after I made an appointment. I was desperate. I was savage. I was scared…But I knew I had to do it. So I booked an appointment with a Christian Counselor. 

No one around me had any kind of experience on seeking help. Everyone around me was basically drowning too in their own way. So I had no reference in what to expect.

What do you say? How much do you share? What if I really don’t have problems? How weak am I going to appear if my husband finds out or my friends or pastors? So many questions right?

THE DAY 

I was extremely nervous. I envisioned my nervous system all over my body in purple, blue and red just vibrating without control. I made a semi plan to explain my situation. 

“Ok I will share about how anxious I am  for no good reason” “I don’t know what else to do.” 

Thats it??? That’s all I am going to say?? Why am I doing this again? 

“Ok. Here we go”

Counselor: Hi! Tell me about yourself 

Me: Hi! Um.. where do I start?

Counselor: Wherever you want to start from?

Me: Um..how far back?

Counselor: You can start from the beginning  (she says in such a grandma way)

I go on to tell her my life story She asks me questions. She hits me up on things from childhood and tears began. When we began to get up to date of my life in 2021 that’s when things really started turning up. 

Counselor: Honey, your body has been under a lot of stress. Why don’t you talk to your pastor to take a break?

I LAUGHED OUT LOUD. LITERALLY

Me: No way. I can’t do that..

She leans forward

Counselor: And why not?

Me: I don’t think I’m allowed to do that. That’ll look bad. And I can’t do that to my husband. It is expected of me as a wife to be side to side with him. He shouldn’t be doing ministry alone. I have to be a supportive wife.

(Sheesh, how powerless did that sound?)

Counselor: Honey, how are the rest of the pastors wives?

My eyes widened and my eyebrows raised

Me: Not happy…..

Counselor: I bet and with that kind of teaching. You know, usually when submission is taught in that manner where it’s just emphasizing the women submitting and obeying.. usually it comes from mean preachers.

Side note: She never asked me where I worked and who I worked for. She never in the 2 years have  asked. 

Counselor: True covering is your husband covering you and protecting you. Yes wives ought to submit but then it goes on to say that men ought to love their wives as Christ loves the church. What do you think Jesus will do if He saw His bride tired? 

Tears fill my eyes like a lagoon

Me: He’ll give her rest…..

Counselor: You know, I believe God is going to heal you. I will make sure to help you with everything I can to get you your voice back. This healing is for you.. but in reality…your healing is for your husband.

Ugh! What??? AGAIN, IT’S ALWAYS ABOUT THE HUSBAND AND THE WIFE 2ND! WHAT ABOUT MY HEALING FOR ME?!

Of course I said that in my head.

My healing is for my husband?…my healing is…. For my husband????? How?????? I really did not understand and if I can be honest I didn’t care to understand. 

FAST FORWARD >> 8 MONTHS LATER

Since then I had done counseling once a month without stopping. Working on myself, facing challenges, speaking up when I was afraid. I had lonely days where I thought my husband would never get me. I thought he would always be driven by the influence of where we were. You know, being powerful men of God, being used by God every where else…but the home. At home it was just me dragging along his side. Barely making it. Panic attacks were frequent. Once you begin the healing process and you’ve tasted some freedom, it is DIFFICULT even physically to tolerate anything less than freedom. But I was still learning how to speak up. I spent days, months, crying, journaling asking God to help us. I just wanted true connection with my husband and not just ministerial. I wanted to say my needs. I actually wanted to believe I had legitimate needs. I thought my needs were dumb.

After doing intentional work on myself, having hard conversations and sharing my counseling sessions with my husband even though he was oblivious to certain things and terms, things were shifting. 8 months later after that blessed counseling session, I was meditating in the Lord and He graciously led me to open up my journal and read an entry of 8 months ago  of me begging God to change my husband and that I was tired of feeling lonely. 

The Father: Do you notice the changes he’s made?

Me: Oh wow yes. He’s not this person anymore…

-I’m a mess at this point-

The Father: Look at what I’ve done. You didn’t even notice that it was 8 months ago. See what happens when you pray? I answer. In my time.

My dearest friend, what my counselor prophesied to me that day came to pass. My healing was for me. But in reality it was for my husband. It was through obeying God, taking responsibility for my life and putting in the work to heal and face demons and giants, that my husband began to recognize things as they were. Which was necessary for what was to come. I did not wait for my husband to make changes so that I can change. I made the changes and made a difference in my own home. Through God’s beautiful grace. 

This reminds me of this verse:

“Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.”- 1 Peter‬ ‭3‬:‭1‬-‭2‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Although this verse speaks about the unbelieving husband that he can be saved through the wife’’s example, I take the principle. Through example you can influence for the good. God healed me yet healed my husband. God healed our marriage yet to heal other families! 

What may seem an impossibility at first can become a miraculous possibility. I know that sounds cliche. But it’s true. I never thought I’d have a connected husband. A husband who is understanding and has vowed + demonstrated that he won’t ever allow anything or anyone to jeopardize my peace. Only a changed and healed man can say that.

You never whose life you will heal, when you heal. God’s plans are definitely huge. 

Healing is for you. In reality your healing is for______________.

PRAYER

Father, thank you for my dear friend. I pray for courage, hope, faith and boldness to heal and face those challenges to make changes. Give them the strategy how to heal in their lives. I pray that you deal with the root of their problems layer by layer, mercy by mercy. Give them the strength they need to process and to better their lives. Don’t allow them to stay stagnant or to avoid what they should face. Remind them their value and show them how You see them. So they can continue the race. I bless them. In Jesus name, Amen

“Search me [thoroughly], O God, and know my heart; Test me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there is any wicked or hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way.”- ‭‭Psalms‬ ‭139‬:‭23‬-‭24‬ ‭AMP‬‬

RESOURCES

Check out my Amazon Store for all resources that I have invested for my healing process and has given me insight to help others as well.

Music

• This love- Housefires

• My soul sings- Housefires + Friends

Lean back- Maverick City + Amanda Cook