I Want To Thank My Giant

Hi my dear friend,

Have you found yourself in situations that you felt that your heart would not be able to handle? Have you ever felt the weight and tension all at the same time gripping your heart? Have you felt tightness in your stomach that would create a pulling tension to your chest and sometimes making its way to left side of the chest?  (Having the phone handy just in case you need to dial 911) Or how about believing the situation is that hard you are afraid your brain will shut down or give out? Or unmentionable thoughts racing in your mind like unrestrained wild horses? The feeling of fear dropping down a projector and broadcasting catastrophic events from those unmentionable thoughts? Maybe you have asked yourself “Will I ever be normal?” “Will I ever get out of this”

You might be thinking ‘whoa that is a lot of questions!’

Perhaps.

These questions became part of my living. Which then produced a lifestyle of feeling and believing my whole life is a hard situation that wants to kill me.

We all have hard times in life. It’s inevitable. However there are many hard times you have overcome. Thank God! But how come in a specific area it has become almost impossible? What is it that I am not understanding? I have been doing all the steps. I have been doing my reading. I have been studying and getting information about my situation. Why do I keep falling victim? Why do you keep falling victim? What am I not understanding?

When we read the Old Testament we see each character of a book or story go through gruesome times. Each exuding victory after facing something huge in their lives. Abraham and Sarah tackled their share of problems which their child Isaac didn’t have to face. But Isaac and Rebekah faced their own problems but slayed it where Esau and Jacob didn’t have to. But then Esau and Jacob face their own share of problems too. You get the picture. 

Then there is Joseph.. I know you probably thought I would talk about David slaying Goliath. He had a physical giant in his way. That story is remarkable and fascinating. But Joseph.. had many giants in the way. 

Joseph had to face a brutal betrayal, rejection and humiliation from his own brothers that sold him to some Midianite traders. As they were jealous of the favor Joseph had with their father, Jacob. And then later on to be falsely accused of taking advantage of Potiphar’s wife and thrown into jail.

What a nightmare! Who was going to help him get out of the problem? His dad? His dad believed he was dead. His brothers? His brothers despised him and sold him out. There was no one but God.

I did not realize that I had been in a cycle of fear my whole life. I thought it was normal. Until I was put in a position in my life where I had to take action. Growing up in a worry-fear based home I thought it was normal to be that way in life. I had no idea what was hysterical thinking. I had no idea what catastrophic thinking was. I just knew that if I worried enough it means I care enough. Worrying sick. But I never connected it to control and survival mode. Or having to brace myself for worst case scenario. I shouldn’t be a problem or a burden. It’s not that I was taught this verbally, it was captured.  By no means is this to blame parents or family. It is something that has been carried through generations. Everyone is trying to do their best. 

That kind of growing up set me up to land in a place I was before where fear ran the show. The more I dove deep into what I was involved in ministry the more un-dealt with problems intensified. But I wanted to play the part so badly! I thought I would be able to sweep each disappointment under the bed like dust bunny. I believed that the next panic attack I would be able to arrest it. I convinced  myself that I would be able to tame racing thoughts as a lion tamer. My wires were so crossed.

The fear- giant had me cornered up for long.

Me: Man, I do not agree with this. This is not ok. I wish I can say something.

Fear: Well, look at you. You think you know better?

Me: I don’t think I should be treated this way. I know as a Christian I ought to deny myself or die to self but this does not seem right.

Fear: You don’t have rights. You should not be claiming any rights.

Me: So I don’t have the right to say ‘correction’ is hurting me? Then there’s something wrong with me. I must have a rebellious spirit cause I don’t find this ok. Everyone else seems to do fine with it.

Me: My husband and I have a dynamic we have established in our home. 

Fear/shame: Are you doing enough? You need to make sure you are tending to him by cooking and doing all these things or if not some jezebel will come and take him from you.

Me: -goes to beat myself up for being a failure of a wife-

Me: I need to quit doing what I love because it is stressing me out and I am physically getting sick.

Fear: You will abort your purpose. You’ll lose all that you have learned and you’ll prove that you wasted your teacher’s time invested. You’ll be forgotten. You’re teaching the people you are leading to quit. 

The above conversations was me and fear which was a mix of things that were verbally taught and modeled. Those things get ingrained and fuel fear and anxiety. I was bound! My soul felt bed-ridden for such a long time. 

Until it was NOT!

Between the Holy Spirit, my Counselor, my husband and friends I was preparing to stand up to the bully. 

It was scary, painful. I felt like I was going to die sometimes. That’s how severe I was manipulated by fear.  Cause to others it might come easy. But what is expected of a manipulated scared person? 

The days came where God’s boldness would come over me to face those bullies in my life. When I would play imaginary arguments if it were to ever happen I would get nervous. But you know it is GOD when the moment does come to oppose and resist wickedness you feel NO nervousness and NO fear. You are fully aware and healed enough to stop the devil and its tactics on its tracks. 

The kicker here is that it’s not about glorying in all the pain. It’s about opening up your eyes and SEE what God is doing!!! The whole time I stayed on suffering mode and focused on the pain cause I was NOT aware of where God was taking me and how much of Him I have in me. 

I NEEDED THIS GIANT IN MY LIFE.  I NEEDED THE GOLIATH. I NEEDED THE PHARAOH.

In slaying the giant, I did not just slay it for the moment. I combusted the giant for my generations to come. I DO NOT WANT MY CHILDREN TO DEAL WITH MY GIANTS. They will face their own. But not mine. 

Thank you giant,

For showing me that I have nothing to fear. 

For showing me that God is truly the One in power and He will not be mocked.

For showing me that I am strong.

For showing me what I am capable of!

For showing me that I am secure

For showing me that I can face the future!

Joseph’s ending is a beautiful one. Had he not persevered and be still in God’s instructions, his family and nation would’ve never been blessed the way they did. He ended up coming through for the brothers that sold him! What was meant to break him, actually lifted him!

What would it look like for you when you decide to slay that giant? What and who are you running away from?  What training grounds are you in? Do you think God will leave your side?!  I think not!

You need that giant. Don’t get stuck in being the bully’s victim. We were not made in cowardice material. We were made victorious fabric. We are meant to see God’s goodness within hard times.

Face that giant once and for all!

“When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?”- Psalm‬ ‭56‬:‭3‬-‭4‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Prayer

Father, thank you for my dear friend. I pray for eyes to be open and get a glimpse of what You are setting them up for and their generation. You know it is not an easy task. But You also know what You created. And You do not create mistakes. You do not create defeated endings. I pray for strength, boldness and joy through hard times. Strength to withstand any injustice that will serve in due time. Strength to not grow weary of doing the right. Boldness to speak righteously and with authority when necessary. Courage to make the right decisions and courage to stand up to the giant! I pray blessings. 

In Your name I pray. Amen

Resources

• Strength- Jonathan & Melissa Helser

• Sound mind- Jonathan & Melissa Helser

• Champion- Maverick City