In the meantime

Closing long and invested chapters in our lives doesn’t come easy. There’s that anxiety of “what will happen?”, “what will be of my life?” I wrote about what one can expect when they leave a toxic cultish community or toxic relationship in previous posts. Many find it hard to picture a new life without certain people that have made impacts in their lives in a positive or negative way. Fear is the enemy of faith. I know this first hand. I befriended fear for such a long time. I thought it was what kept me safe and made me believe I carried such wisdom. Just to find out it that false wisdom was a disguise of fear. 

Humans do not like pain and we go through lengths to avoid it. Closing chapters in our lives or leaving a season of our lives is not always in good terms and it’s not always in bad terms. But there’s always some type of pain that crawls in. It’s either the pain of leaving people, places, things experiences behind or the pain of losing control for what is next, the uncertainty. Or the “what if I never get to experience these ‘great’ things again?” “What if I don’t find best friends like I had?” “What if I don’t find a church that moves the way this church did?” The “what if’s” is a recipe for disaster and can possibly lead to jumping into other similar places and people you actually needed to leave, hence the closing of a chapter. 

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven;- Ecclesiastes 3:1

In transitional seasons, it gets weird at times. It may feel like you’re in mid air and have no ground to stand on. Frustrations build because you are use to being some kind of person or your use doing things all the time. Let’s face it, we’ve cultivated an addiction to adrenaline. Coming from an environment that was of high performance, I had NO idea I was an adrenaline addict. I was a human-doing not a human-being. One of the first things God began to work in me after closing a chapter in my life was my inner clock. My inner clock was rushed all the time for no good reason. I had no job, no where to go, not many people to talk to, phone wasn’t buzzing as it would, no emails to respond to. But I was so use to being on “demand” as if I was someone that important (hehe, I am not).  What I failed to recognize was all of that was to hide that I didn’t truly grasp that I was loved and saved by grace. I had to do to deserve and have validation. That’s far from the true gospel.

Coming from a high performance and fear based place everything had to be eventful. Wild encounters with God everyday. Sobbing sessions during worship time. Seeing angels walking in the aisles in the services. Seeing Jesus feet walking amongst the people in much anticipated conferences. Having constant testimonies to prove your validation in walking in the spirit. This was very exhausting to obtain daily, weekly even monthly. I failed at this a lot. Most times I would weep and beg God to give me these kinds of manifestations like others were having.

Once that season ended and a new one began, I wanted to avoid anything that reminded me of where I came from (still dealing with that to an extent). I did not want to attend any church. I did not want to hear preachings with similar charismatic styles. But I still wanted to serve God somehow. I wanted to prove that it wasn’t a ministry that gave me a call but that God is the one who gives it. I was way too weak to do anything. I had to come to terms that this season was not for me to be doing the same thing I had been doing. That is why that door closed! I had prayed for something like this and God answered it but it was not to my liking. However, God knows best and I ended up loving it. 

In the mean time while being in these kinds of transitions, specifically if you are leaving a ministry or a work place that was damaging, you must keep in mind that habits are hard to get rid of if you have been doing it for a long time and especially if that’s the only place or relationship you’ve known. Going to another ministry or jumping into a relationship right away to kill that anxiety might do more damage than good. Anything you do from a place of anxiety will have hard consequences. So, you’ll hold up churches or people to the same standard of the deep habit you still have in you. If you are in that state, you are in a vulnerable place and need more time. This of course applies if there’s high anxiety. 

There will be days that seem boring and meaningless. I had those days. And I learned about the beauty of contentment. Oh boy, where I got out of, to be content was bad. I was taught that being content is being passive and you do not want the more of God. I was terrified to be content. And when those days would come where they weren’t eventful I would begin to worry and spiral down. There’s divinity in the ordinary. Being present at home, doing chores and helping around the house, listening to a friend, reading a book, learning new skills, helping a family member, reading bed time stories to your children, disciplining your children, sharing conversations with a co-worker, walking in the park with no rush— all of this is unto God. 

Serving God is not only about what you can do on a weekly basis within the church. When we say “I want to serve God or continuing to serve God”, it means to serve others that need help. It’s not confined to church positions. Everyone is called to serve. We are not saved by serving, but we are saved for serving. And it does not have to be in the masses, it is in the ordinary days too. It’s in the slow days. It’s in the days where its you and another person and no one else will know about it but heaven. 

So in the mean time while we are in this funky season of transition, we will wait on God and obey Him in this season, you and I will continue to serve Him and His people. Do not fear of what doesn’t seem familiar as before. Do not give up in the new God is doing because it’s hard. Do not go back begging because the newness doesn’t look like what you thought or what you have been taught it should be. Go check out other ministries and withhold your judgement. Show up in prayer even if it is just one sentence. Show up to bible study even if it’s for 5 minutes. Accept new godly friendly invitations to fellowship.  My friend, God’s will is perfect and there’s hope for you! Nothing is ever lost in Christ. 

Keep going.

Prayer

Father, thank you for my friend. This is my prayer for them in these times of transition and waiting: 

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. Because of his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead and into an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you. You are being guarded by God’s power through faith for a salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. You rejoice in this, even though now for a short time, if necessary, you suffer grief in various trials so that the proven character of your faith  — more valuable than gold which, though perishable, is refined by fire  — may result in praise, glory, and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.”- 1 Peter‬ ‭1‬:‭3‬-‭7‬ ‭CSB‬‬

“For you are saved by grace through faith, and this is not from yourselves; it is God’s gift —  not from works, so that no one can boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared ahead of time for us to do.”- Ephesians‬ ‭2‬:‭8‬-‭10‬ ‭CSB‬‬

In Your name I pray. Amen.

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