When You Leave

After deciding to leave or walk away from a church community that I was a part of for a long time no one really prepared me for the aftermath. Not everyone leaves a church community for bad reasons. Some may leave due to moving from city, state or country. Others may be that God is leading them to another place. In this case I had to leave idolatry and choose to run to the Right Throne and demolish the other thrones that were built in my heart. In that last stretch before leaving, things got intense in all possible ways. I thought that period of my life would be the end of me. But I was not privy the exit avalanche. When you’re in the trenches you’re fighting for your life but once you pull the plug, now that’s a whole different situation. 

I am eternally grateful for the Lord leading me to counseling and boy did I put in hard core surgery work still being in a “culty” place. But not even that prepared me for the hit that came once leaving. You must understand the type of investment your life made to such places. It’s the church! It’s the body of Christ! Of course you would give your life for the One who gave His up for yours. But that concept begins to become blurry when the One isn’t the one you are looking at much. Your gaze begins to pay attention to the hunger-pain you’re carrying for “ministerial success” which becomes tempting and ideal. Not knowing that the pain you’re carrying is hunger for validation cause you are taught and told by a community or a person that is “sent by God” to be the one who validates you. “Any one can believe in you, but if I don’t, you won’t get far”.—> True story.

And you continue on this deceiving road not knowing any better because well you are not really taught to be a critical thinker. Thinking outside of these communities is a threat. Things that are not ok become justified with misinterpreted scriptures. Adopting broken beliefs, extra curricular bible things to survive cause you were sold a lie that with out this community you won’t make outside. 

My precious, dearest friend…..THAT IS A LIE. 

There will be grass on the other side, you want to know why? Because we have a GOOD SHEPHERD that will lead us to pastures. THE BIBLE SAYS SO.

“He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters.”– Psalm‬ ‭23‬:‭2‬

You want to know why you are not cursed and that you will make it on the other side? As people who have chosen to believe and confess that Jesus Christ is our Lord and Savior and we haven’t truly seen him in the flesh, the Bible says that we are blessed because even though we have not seen and yet we believed! Thats one out of many reasons we are blessed by God!

“Jesus said to him, “Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”– John‬ ‭20‬:‭29‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Fear tactics are the #1 method used in cultish communities. Fear mongering. This even applies in any kind of toxic relationship! They keep you coming for more not out of love but out of fear. And you and I know that LOVE casts out fear. 

I do not sugar coat things. Recovery is not easy but IT IS POSSIBLE. I rather take a bad day out than surviving supposedly good days in a community that was sucking me dry! I say that with full confidence. Jesus paid a high price for our TRUE freedom!

10 things you can expect when you leave a cultish community/ toxic relationship:

1. FEAR. You may experience fear in a lot of areas. Fear of missing out on what God can do in your life. Fear that what the cultish community or person said would happen to you if you left actually might happen. For example: Fear of dying because you believe God will strike you for leaving. Also, fear of being normal. Fear of slowing down (especially after being a part of a fast paced regimen). Fear of resting. Fear of being forgotten. Fear of losing your purpose. If you’re employed, fear of not being able to be financially secured. 
2. Grief. You grieve the loss of years or time of connection with loved ones and you grieve  for the others that stay. You grieve what was and what could’ve been. You can go through the 5 stages of grief. (Anger or regret living in a bubble)
3. Losing connection with people you thought were closer than your own family. Part of the branding of these kind of communities or relationships is the ex-communication and blacklisting. It’s part of the control tactic. 
4. Sense of lack of purpose/ Identity. You invested your life, your energy, your creativity, your strength, and probably lost connection with your own family for the community. Also, low self-esteem.
5. Being misunderstood by everyone. You’ll get blamed for everything. There’s not much patience or compassion for those who have been through spiritual abuse. Since you cannot always prove with physical evidence of the damage that happened within you, you’ll find yourself having to build a case or defend your heart. It can also happen with family members you reconciled with after leaving that can tell you “You weren’t forced” “No one put a gun to your head”. It can bring on shame or embarrassment.
6. Labeled. You will probably get called all kinds of names and get slandered. False narratives about you may become outrageous.
7. Distrust. You can experience some cynicism with the body of Christ and/ or future relationships. Testing of faith. You may also experience having a hard time trusting God and even questioning His existence.
8. Learning how to function in the real world. This one is real! According to this article “There is a feeling of being out of sync with everyone else, of going through culture shock, from having lived in a closed environment and having been deprived of participating in everyday culture. For the ones who were employed you may face the dilemma of what to put on a resume to cover the blank years of cult membership.
9. Not be able to recognize freedom. You grow impatient. Either avoid the healing process or try everything to recover fast to not feel the pain. You can grow impatient cause you aren’t where you think you need to be in the healing process. You think you are regressing and feel like you need to go back to that place but it’s cause you may not be familiar with true freedom and don’t know what to do with it. Also you may struggle with how to manage freedom.
10. Joy & gratitude. This one is a weird one! Cause it does happen even in dark low days there’s an inner peace that anchors you and assures you, you will be ok. Even if that voice is faint it’s a conviction that only the Holy Spirit can bring. Like i mentioned before I rather a dark day out of that relationship than many “good ones” in there. There’s relief. All that pressure comes off.

There may be more experiences that you go through or maybe you’ll experience less. This is not a linear journey of healing. I want you to know that all that has been mentioned above is NOTHING to be afraid of. God made us humans. We are to feel and deal with it. Not alone. But with Him and a healthy support group. I would be lying if I said I came out on the other side because of myself. No way. My Father in Heaven guarded me and held me through it all. He lead me to godly people and connections that helped me heal and continue to do so. Please do not do this by yourself. I had a healthy community and I still needed more. I had to invest financially in my healing. Cause like my dear friend told me once “the cost of getting help is less costly than staying the same”. Ask God to guide you to people or resources. Don’t do it alone!

Prayer

Father, I first want to give you PRAISE and HONOR for what You have faithfully done in my life. You are to be glorified all the days of my life. Thank you for delivering me from the destruction I was headed towards. Thank you for forgiving me of my sins and loving me through it all. My prayer for my friend reading this is that You give them peace through it all. I pray for my friend who is in the valley of decision, may the Holy Spirit’s conviction outweigh the fear of man. I pray that they may see you rightfully as a Sovereign, Holy, Just and Loving God. Jesus gave His life for us to be free from eternal damnation but also from the schemes of the enemy. I pray for strength and love to be upon them. I ask in your name Jesus, to provide for them if they need to get that extra help. Lead them to good and righteous people. I bless them.

In Your name I pray. Amen. 

I dedicate this post to my husband. For standing up for what is right and for leading our family wisely and graciously and never faltering in faith. I love you.

I also dedicate this post to my best friends. You ladies have been solid as a rock in my life. We have cried and laughed and gotten angry but we chose to run towards God and eachother. We always made sure to lift eachother up when one couldn’t walk or speak. I love you and I bless you all with all my heart.

And to those brave souls that have reached out and have shared their pain with me. This one is for you!

If you are in a situation where you want to leave or have left a cultish community or toxic relationship, I am offering coaching services now and would be happy to help you out. For more information you may contact me at: [email protected]

Resources

Articles

https://www.spiritualabuseresources.com/articles/post-cult-problems-an-exit-counselors-perspective

https://www.psycom.net/stages-of-grief

Music

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If you have been blessed by this or relate to it please share your story below in the comment section!